Americans on the web Americans, oh americans. There are so many of you on the web and you really do dominate. See, it's generalistion time again. I wanted to give a little back-story to my odd comment on America and American culture (maybe I haven't made that many, but I have in my mind, so it's pertinent). There being so many web-using, english-speaking Americans in the world necessarily means a huge web-presence. So big is it that one often feels that the web is American (certainly if English is your main language - lucky Japanese, for example, can inhabit an entirely parallel web-universe). This is especially true when looking at news events and political opinions. Or if using the "next-blog" button. It makes for a sense that American issues are everyone's issues, yet they're also literally foreign at the same time. The types of racism, homophobia and religious bigotry are very different in character in America, often more extreme, than they are in Britain. And yet, these issues are consonant with those in the UK, allowing me to relate to them to a certain extent.

Reading these stories - about Terri Schivo, about Michael Jackson, about gay clergy and gay partnerships, about the war on terrorism, about global warming - they all seem familiar, and yet horrible, grotesque, outrageous. And because they're so widespread, it feels like on the web the grotesque is the norm. But all the viewpoints on these issues and the issues themselves are not normal to a Brit - so often they come from a standpoint of Christian conservatism, or a reaction to that, and this is alien to us. Western Europe is largely godless in the traditional sense, and issues close to my heart like gay rights do not raise the same bile here as they do in the states. When I read some of this bile on the web, it truly makes me sick. And because I come across it so often, it starts to feel like I've entered a really unpleasant alternate reality - where, for example, gay people are reviled and hated like I've not seen in the UK. I come away feeling sad and angry and depressed, and often have to say to myself "It's not here, it's elsewhere, it's another culture". What makes it hard and scary is that American culture is related to my own and influencing my own, and it can't just be ignored.

This is the complex position a Brit on the web finds themselves in. In the UK, it feels like the politically liberal are the more web-literate, articulate and voiciferous, so it always shocks when in America it's (almost?) the reverse. And while we fight the tide of cultural imperialism we also embrace it, because Americans are our cousins and some have a lot to say to us that is worth hearing. If only they used their powers for the good...(I should specify; "they" being the American government).  ¶ 15:06 0 comments

 
I really like this picture, from an album cover, but by an artist called David Thorpe, whose work explores really interesting ideas about romantic modernist utopias in a lovely architectural/illustrative way. They're also quite eerie.  ¶ 15:06 0 comments

  How's it going? Well, it has been a while, hasn't it? Over a month in fact, and the last post was pretty slight. I guess part of the issue for me is not knowing what the blog is for. If it's an online diary, wouldn't I rather keep my diary private? Well, I suppose that rather than negatively assuming the blog is a diary for show-offs, it is in fact an excellent way of communicating a point of view to millions of other people and thus allowing all those other people (who chance upon it and have the patience and sympathy to read it) an insight into the life of someone else. And maybe in a small way that increases people's general experience of the "other", thus slightly increasing the patience and sympathy of one human for other humans. Which is what we all need, I reckon.*

But that's just my theory, isn't it? In reality, much of my blog has been spent ridiculing certain other bloggers and making the odd jibe against American culture, which can only consist of generalisations when the jibes concern around 280 million people. This approach certainly does not add to the sum of human kindness, and yet it is also what a lot of other bloggers do. However, while lambasting myself in the above sentences I come to realise that there are checks and balances: a bit of gentle fun poked at some bloggers is balanced against some lauding and praising of others. Any knee-jerk political statements are balanced by more detailed honesty-driven musings. So it isn't all bad: perhaps it evens out at "neutral".


*Apparently it's one of the main gains from reading novels, and much as this appeals to me, a great many novels are long and tiresome (and crap), so it's hard to know which ones will give me genuine insight and which will piss me off. At least with blogs I can just click "next blog" when I lose patience with the current one. Hmm, that opens up another tangential debate as to the weak minds of the internet generation, so let's not go there. I'm bored.  ¶ 14:40 0 comments

 
Antony and the Johnsons: check them out, They are beautiful and will inspire you.  ¶ 21:41 0 comments

 
"Hope and sincerity truly is the new punk of the 21st century"  ¶ 21:35 0 comments

  Continuing adventures of a blog explorer Also known a "Gawd bless America"

I had a wee trip along the "next blog" road. Came across a US guy's blog which was mainly audio posts. Listened to one of them...a great long rant about how Hilary Clinton is a bitch and how Americans shouldn't complain about Bush, because he'd never tell people to kill children unlike Moslems, Eye-Ran, Saddam or Osama would/have done. Delightful. Skip along to the next blog: a malaysian muslim girl enjoying macdonalds with her friends. Maybe it's the fries that make muslims into child-killers? Who knows. If you can be arsed to check out either of these two blogs, you will notice how much better a grasp of web design and html those backward "moslems" have than the "freedom" loving american.

Must be off to have a shower now. I smell of glue.  ¶ 13:17 0 comments

  my kind of friends I'm just thinking about my friends. I'm wondering if I'm becoming a recluse. I often can't be bothered with the playing the game of social intercourse. I survived for a long time on being sparkling and witty, a bit camp and fabulous but in an intellectual, knowing way (obviously). I made loads of friends and had loads of "fun". But I started to question the "fun" part...Problems always come when you question stuff, eh? The "fun" actually seemed to be an endless round of shallow bitchy conversations, trying to impress/amuse people or gain some other kind of ego-gratification, binge drinking and dancing to shit music in shit clubs. Okay, some of all that actually was fun, but I got out of the loop a bit and realised the effort required to get back in wasn't really worth the reward. I was also coming out of a relationship with a guy who had alienated me from a lot of my better friends, so that made things doubly difficult. Now, though, I've got myself a new philosophy, not a massively workable one, but how I seem to have come to see things: I want friends who deliver the goods, with real substance and staying power. Friends who are kind, funny and intelligent. And dependable. And even attractive. That's right: I want to find Mr/Mrs Right in friend form. And I want several of them. I want the impossible.
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Trouble is - the real trouble, not this notional stuff in the previous paragraph - I left my university city and left my good friends from uni (though some went away themselves). Those were friendships built over years of shared interests and experiences. And they are very dear to me, but now they aren't here, available to me. It's been sad, but being sad isn't going to build me any new friendships is it? So what do I do: I now actively want to create friends, but by not being at Uni I don't have the resources. Do I network for friends? Go on friend dates? Follow friend leads through other friends? It seems weird and almost mercenary, and I've never heard of anyone doing it before. But its the kind of methodical way I found my boyfriend so it might just work for friends too.  ¶ 20:24 0 comments

  my kind of guilt Hello one and all (perhaps one is all of you?). I don't know if you realised this, but - blogs are tough. I have to juggle justifying writing this blog with justifying writing to my friends, which is a tough call. But after some time of not actually contacting my friends or writing my blog, I've decided that I may as well write my blog again. I don't quite know where I've got to with it though...The blog is still deciding whether it's diary or opinion driven, the two oviously not being mutually exclusive, but I'd like to know which one is dominant. I reckon I'm probably too lazy to slavishly update the blog as a diary, but I don't really feel my opinions are engaging/witty/insightful enough to post regularly. Oh fuck it, it's a bit of both and some other stuff besides (notice how I'm loathe to rely on the catch-all "reflections" or "observations" here - spew), and I'll have to write what I feel like writing or I'll end up not caring. And neither will you - if you did in the first place.  ¶ 20:05 0 comments

  Quick in and out Bugger it, I'm really neglecting the blog, eh? Well, I had to get a project done and now it's finished so maybe that's why I haven't been here, ok? Geez, the pressure you put me under....
Anyway, now I have a nasty cold-sore which is ugly and painful. But the project is finished and it looks quite good, though not quite right...I can't pinpoint what it is....Maybe I'll put up a picture of it sometime so you'll know what it is I'm actually talking about, but it might come back to haunt me in a couple of years when I'm better at design and shame me.

John is struggling hard with an essay due tomorrow - what misery university brings the young, but then there is the binge drinking by way of compensation. He's probably going to be up all night, but we've all done it as I keep saying to him by way of encouragement (probably not very encouraging, but it's what my heart says). I'm also up a bit later because I had a half day at college, so came home and took a massive nap and am now wide awake. John has just come in to read over my shoulder and breathe - what is it? - Pot Noodle Spicy Curry Flavour all over me. Delicious.

That's about it for now - no political diatribes tonight. But I won't desert you, reader - don't worry. I'm at work tomorrow, so there's bound to be some boss related crap to offload here after that. Bet you can't wait.
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  My boss I talked to my therapist about my boss today, but didn't really say enough, so I'll keep on talking here. She says I need to work out who I want to be at work and how to be that person. I feel vulnerable and anguished about work, and I don't like that because I quite like the work itself, its good for my cv and I surely need the money. I can't be open or relaxed at work because the boss is so demanding: he wants to talk at me relentlessly and try to antagonise me. And he manages it because I'm tense and want to fend him off. I'm not out to him and I can't be because he's quite backward about that sort of thing (as well as being a racist too, how nice!) , so I know it would make things even more awkward. I've got a sense that I can't keep the situation under my control because I think too much about giving the boss what he wants, largely in terms of chatting to him and assuaging his sense of paranoia and low self-esteem. If I could just give up on that, be me, get on with the job, then maybe I wouldn't find it so stressful. This is very hard to do when I'm alone in a shop with him for hours at a time. Yes, I know the easy answer is get another job, but that's not a very easy thing to do. If I could find some calmness in myself to simply weather everything he says then that would make things a lot better.

How do I do that?
  ¶ 21:25 0 comments

  Quoting again Now I just had to quote what the lovely lady at Beck-a-Blog said, because it's so true of what I keep reading on a lot of other (American Rightwing Christian) blogs and sites - I keep wanting to post comments and rant at them, but even people who have written calm intelligent comments get short shrift from the idot-bigots. It is also true of people I've come across in the UK, unfortunately. But don't let that get you down! Read Becky's pithy observation instead:

"People use Jesus as an excuse. They’re fat and they don’t do anything about it because, “Jesus loves them anyway”. They’re not good at talking to people, so they talk to God. They hate people and blame it on Jesus. “I hate gays because of Jesus,” they seem to be thinking. No, you hate gays because you’re an ass."  ¶ 21:07 1 comments

  Snow and cinema Today it snowed and snowed, but I haven't figured out the infra-red on my phone yet, so I can't show you the picture. I almost didn't go to college, but I was motivated by the idea of my packed-lunch going to waste, so I braved the slush.

After college I went with a friend to see the new Wong Kar Wai film, 2046. I loved In The Mood For Love, to which 2046 is a "sort of" sequel. "Sort of" largely in the sense that neither film has much going on in it for a sequel to add to. I would have loved the film, but the cinema was fucking freezing - it was screen 18, which is on the top floor, and I think they put all the arthouse movies on there and then "forget" to put the heating on, because there's only every 10 people in the theatre. It's a long, slow film and adverse theatre conditions make it harder to appreciate. From what I can remember though, it's really good. The lead actor, Tony Leung, has such a handsome, captivating face, which I love watching no matter the film. Wong Kar Wai, it seems, makes cinema that aims to convey complex, enigmatic emotions almost entirely through the imagery and in this film he's very successful, but there's also quite a lot of dialogue which adds an extra dimension after the rather mute In The Mood For Love. I'm going to have to see it again, but I would definitely recommend it if you like slow-burners that are ravishing on the eye.
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  Let's get political While in a recent post I came over all moral and asked for some kindness, today I feel the need to be political. There are quite a few things that make me want to do it. The most personal of those was today, after seeing the film with John and Paul. They went to the toilet and I waited in the foyer. Then a guy came out of the toilet and joined his waiting girlfriend. As they walked away I heard him say to her, "there were a couple of poofs in there. I thought I was going to get bummed", at which her girlfriend laughed. They were soon too far away for me to do or say anything, and I was left feeling really low. When John and Paul came back, I kept it to myself, not wanting to dampen their mood. But I am reproducing it here because I want to publicise the fact that these little signs of homophobia really go on all the time, and I am truly fed up with them. Homophobia is as bad as racism, but it is considered more acceptable for several reasons:

1. Deep down, most people still consider homosexuality unnatural, despite outward tolerance. This view is given continued legitimacy by the right-wing press and most mainstream religion. It makes it very easy for people to ridicule homosexuality, and suggest that gay relationships aren't "proper" relaitonships
2. Gay men are perceived as frivilous, silly and camp - or at the very least, soft. This stereotype has in recent times been incredibly well represented, in Graham Norton, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Coronation Street and so on. Ridiculing and insulting people who are implicitly considered ridiculous is considered to be harmless.
3. There is still an enormous amount of shame surrounding being gay, and sexuality in general. From school onwards, we learn that being gay is shameful, dirty and not how real girls and boys behave. Many people have a sense of sneering distaste towards gay people because of this. The whole idea of "Gay Pride" exists as a response to this.
   
4. Somehow, despite being considered silly and soft, straight men still feel threatened by gay men, hence the guy at the cinema worrying about being "bummed". Because being gay is not what real men and women do, gay men and women aren't real men and women. This makes them an unknown quantity, and therefore threatening.

Well, I have to tell you something, even if you've heard it all before. Any relationship that involves real emotions is a real relationship, regardless of the sex of the people in it. Gay men and women are as masculine or feminine as they like, there's no norm - no-one can really say what's natural for a man's or a woman's behaviour. Sexuality is a joy and nothing to be ashamed of. I can be camp and I can be sensitive, but I am serious about what I love. Love does not threaten or harm anyone - it heals and encourages growth.

We all need to grow up a bit about sex, gender and sexuality. And I ask any of you straight readers to consider us gay people as fellow humans, brothers and sisters, and worthy of your solidarity and support - as white people were with black people in the civil rights movement. There's no difference. People are suffering because of hatred, and they need kindness.
  ¶ 01:12 0 comments

  Funny day John and I went to The Barras today, a market in the East End of Glasgow. We bought and ate several bags of delicious sweets (called swedgers by Glaswegians), mooched around, taking our time in the antiques area. We bought a cool birthday present for Ruth, chatted to some of the stall-holders who were very sweet, then headed back to town. We met up with our friend Paul when he finished work, went for some noodles at Wagamama's, went for a couple of drinks (I had cocktails) and then took him to see The Incredibles, which John and I have seen but knew he'd love, so we had to take him to see it. A good day, though I was worried about having to tidy the flat when we got home, but how lovely to find that Ruth had already done most of it! Something else marred the day, but I'm going to put it in a separate post.
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  Lovely to everyone We can't be lovely to everyone all of the time, but we can be lovely to someone, sometimes, and try to increase our loveliness every day. I don't mean to be saccharine - I just felt the need to really suggest a little kindness to everyone. We're all capable of it, even though it's hard to be diverted from protecting ourselves and our interests. But bloody hell, it's really lovely to be lovely. Everyone is worthy of love, because everyone suffers. Take a moment and be a bit lovely to yourself - smile for yourself, feel your own warmth. The better you can do that, the better you can give it to others. Though I don't want to keep on quoting, I think I should mention a few words from the Buddha: "Do not belittle your own goodness...Drop by drop the pitcher is filled". Every kind act helps someone to open their eyes and the kindness grows exponentially.

  ¶ 01:52 0 comments

  I can't report everything... ...so I won't. I'm feeling pretty ok, which means mediocre in a nice way, or untroubled by turmoil but not particularly excited either. Work has been the usual routine of waiting for customers to distract the manager from talking at me, college was pleasant, John has been doing much better with his coursework. I've got this sense, though, that there's something else I should be thinking about, but I can't work out what it is...mmm....and I can't shake the feeling. I'll leave it for now. I'm feeling too bland to write anything worth reading.
  ¶ 19:13 0 comments

  Really rather tired Not much to say, in fact, other than my therapist (I know, who needs a blog as well as a therapist?) told me I should go and see a physio about my back, which strangely hadn't ocurred to me. It really won't do at my age she said, and this is true. She's very good.
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  Blog explorer I realise from a brief survey of my brief blog that rather than creating much original text of my own, I simply quote and comment on other things by other people, which I fear is symptomatic of the internet as a whole. Sometimes it seems like the whole "place" (for want of a better word) is an endless series of links and comments that never lead to any actual content, unless you pay a subscription. It's lovely to come across something that's genuinely written for it's own sake, like Blog From Italy, which isn't strenuously referential or comical, but just decent, interesting observation from someone's life. But there I go again, acting the editor rather than the writer. Writing - any creative act - is very fulfilling, but it is equally frustrating, since there are always rules attached to the medium, without which it would be unintelligible to other people. The sheer effort of working the rules to fit one's expression leads many witty but lazy folk to rely on simply quoting and referencing others. Whilst dazzling and fun at first glance, as one clicks through the links like opening so many concentric boxes, it soon becomes apparent that there's nothing to see but frames and quotation marks. And sadly, I can be one of those lazy ones...how do I develop the patience to really create and edit my own work?
  ¶ 21:57 0 comments

  I went to the shower It's getting dark already, but I've only just showered and dressed. Yes, you guessed it, it's the return of the killer back pain! Another day off college, though not as depressed because I feel connected to it again after having been once. I've already seen the doctor about the back - no help, of course. John is booking me an appointment with a good masseuse - here's hoping it works, because it will not do to have old man ailments like this.

As I sit typing this blog the wind is moaning outside the flat and the wires that should be attached to the block are banging against the window. We stopped watching tv ages ago because these cables should go up to the roof and bring us a signal. However, even withough tv I have already been informed that Germaine Greer has left the Big Brother house. Not being able to watch the show has not quelled my interest in her participation - I really felt she might shake things up a bit. I would be fascinated to hear her reasons for leaving. The BBC website listed other early quitters of Big Brother, which led me to compare Germaine with Sunita, who left Big Brother 3. I always felt she was cutting her losses when she left, as she was training for a career in law. Germaine also may have realised that any further exposure on the show might do her harm, though I think she could easily have won. But perhaps she just felt claustrophobic.
  ¶ 16:59 0 comments

  Pounce Pounce

I actually thought at first this might be a work of conceptual art, but it just seems to be the blog of a fairly precocious girl (though that depends on her age). Its a really strange read, especially when she lists all of her favourite MASH episodes.  ¶ 16:06 0 comments

  The diary post Time for some brazen soul-baring. Today I started back at college, after last week spent in bed with a bad back. Not being in college made me extremely depressed - I'd been really looking forward to the new term for several reasons:

1. A fairly dismal Christmas in which I had a bad back (the first installment of the same ailment), my mum had puke-poop-moan disease, my bedroom was next to the toilet, my dad seemed fairly downbeat largely because (here's the piece de resistance of dismalness) my mum is fairly psycho and I'd forgotten how bad she can be.
2. My work colleagues are the perfection of my worst nightmares in human form. I only work with two full timers, one is a strict born again Christian, the other - my boss - a crazed, bombastic Glaswegian man who loves and hates me in equal measure. I could write several posts on his pyche, so I'll spare you for now. Suffice it to say, it has seemed like my job is rather precarious because the boss threatened to extend my probation, but could only give the reason that I didn't really believe in capitalism. This job being a two-day a week sales assistant position. Hmm.
3. John, my sweetheart without reservation, is struggling very hard through his final year at uni, and I hate not being able to help him having been through it all myself.
   

That's really the gist of it - I need to feel like my life has something to drive towards, and everything above has created a strong sense of inertia. But now I'm back! And I loved it, despite my other more minor moans that there aren't really any kindred spirits on my course. They are still good, friendly people and the work is so great - I spent most of the day drawing a spiral staircase in 3D. Highly fulfilling, somehow. My lethargy has really lifted, and I feel like I can focus on this thing that is really what I want to be doing. I think. Well...save the dithering for later...  ¶ 19:08 0 comments

  It's been a (short) while So I felt I should add a new post. Why? You may ask, since this has all been pretty banal so far. Just an erratic collection of snippets, and little else. Little insight, probably little humour, though that depends on you (you being the reader). I don't know why, but I felt I couldn't just let the thing die in its infancy. Not that I was even tempted, but if you've read the rest of the blog - a mean feat and no mistake - you'll know that I've never really been sure what this is for. Maybe I will add a diary-type post  ¶ 19:03 0 comments

  Scientists find the human nose is more complex than a plane http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4133093.stm

I love the way copy writers simply pick up on a comparison between two completely unrelated nouns and turn it into a work of absurdist poetry.  ¶ 20:43 0 comments

  Dharmacrank Dharmacrank

Well, essentially this is a good guy and I might even read his blog regularly.  ¶ 23:35 0 comments

 
This is the wonderful granddaughter of the anonymous family-blog. Do you notice how she has no irises in her eyes?  ¶ 22:51 0 comments

  your one true love your one true love

I decided to go on a small channel hop "next blog" tour, and after a few dull ones, a few foreign language ones and a disturbing family one that I had to strongly resist posting a remark about a photo of their granddaughter, I found this one. A really good fun photo blog of some girl and her life and she seemed so fun, and I liked looking through all the pictures in her life, and even though I didn't know anyone in them I found myself chuckling fondly about the people I saw. Aren't I creepy?  ¶ 22:47 0 comments

 
one of my many faces  ¶ 20:59 0 comments

  Still ruminating about the nature of my blog   ¶ 20:44 0 comments

 
Promoting the Homosexual Agenda  ¶ 15:38 0 comments

  Crikey - I've got a blog Well all my trendy new guardian reading friends can look at this and drool. They might even write one themselves. You've got to wonder, who is the audience for all these endless blogs - I might as well just whisper into my own arsehole.
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  Not much more to report Just another quick post to say, I've tweaked it a bit, but I haven't really invested in the blog yet. So it will probably be quite boring for a few days until I manage to care about it. These things are so vain. How wonderful.

I've also just noticed that the name of my blog sounds like a faintly right-wing daily mail column, and that really I should be bemoaning the decline of the nuclear family. I'm going to have to disappoint you all on that one though.
  ¶ 01:39 0 comments